Recently it has come to my attention that I lack daily wonder and enthusiasm. Gone are the days when I would sit in a classroom and feel empowered, intrigued and in the zone. Gone are days past when I would engage students, teachers and professors to look for something else to question and ponder. My mind has become stagnant, there are no more ripples in this sea of knowledge.
Yet...............................
My mind is still hungry. This boredom that has enslaved so many into the mundane day to day tasks is lethal. It began as a sedative to distract me from what was really buried deep in my emotional cortex and has become a prison. As of late I find myself thinking about life paths or journey's if you will. I like to think of things in dualities, mostly because when there are more scenarios present everything gets a little messy, I can choose to be one person or another. Behave, think, etc. a certain way to be a certain person to obtain certain responses/results. Then I remember that I am not just one thing but everything. Just as I am capable of being happy I am capable of being sad, and all other emotions and things.
My bounds are limitless.
Yet, why have I restricted myself?
Because. Of. Fear.
Fear of not being what others have expected. What I have expected. Just until recently I saw that I have become what I feared. I created for myself a set of boundaries and restrictive schedules. I bound myself to an individual for too long for fear of being alone and out of need for someone or something; when all along all I needed was myself. I needed to jump out of my repressive box of emotions and decided to change. Like the passing of a northern wind my awareness awakened again. I have remembered how much I love creating things. Dancing so much that I can feel the sweat cooling my body and listening to music not just to listen but to truly connect with another's work. I miss playing music and painting. It was my flow and I am slowly getting it back. It doesn't have to be financially beneficial but it brings me happiness. And from that happiness I hope that my love for education and knowledge will resurface.
For to be an intellectual without that special drive and constant hunger is burdensome. I want to inspire and be inspired by others. This reawakening is not owed to one person, place or thing but to many; to the young man in Sierra Leon who made a radio and radio station out of scraps from the garbage, to Yann Dall'Aglio for offering a differing point of view, to the works of photographers on CNN who wish to tell the stories of others.
Thank you. Your courage to go out there and be something different has reminded me that I too am different. The use of the word different isn't meant in the obvious sense but with an emphasis on uniqueness. Whether or not we are all here for a specific purpose I intend to make a mark in this world. To bring forward a change that has always been there and not seen or accepted. To make things better if even for a small few. (But I prefer a larger outcome.)
So I'll just have to see where this unexpected journey takes me. I look forward to it.
